the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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