$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
