You made me cry and you don't even care
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
