I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
