I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Mom said you looked used
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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