Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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