Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
