I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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