If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We got so high we made milksteak
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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