went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
