sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Drunk walkin through police station. America
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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