If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
