1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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