We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
