apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize