I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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