I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize