If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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