i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
