Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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