update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
