He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
