i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
