Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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