The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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