I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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