i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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