I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
