Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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