Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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