i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We were destined to go to rehab together
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
