It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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