true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
