Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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