I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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