A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize