I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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