Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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