My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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