mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
