I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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