last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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