My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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