im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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