I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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