just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize