I smell stomach acid.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
