I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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