You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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