you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I fill condoms, not promises.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
