11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
