Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
