I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
