I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
