Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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