Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
