I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
