Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We don't watch enough power rangers
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
