i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize