she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
