Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
